== TALE OF ONE DEVOTEE ==
~ FOR BHAKTAS LONELINESS IS A BOON ~
Namaskar,
While sitting down an hour before I was to get washed and dressed for my
job, I experienced an overwhelming sadness. I had this realization that
I am now all by myself on this earth. My parents are long gone, my wife
has recently passed, my children have grown and left; so I have no one
around with whom to have communication or contact.
I started to feel very lonely and thought since I have no real friends
or family around me and I live by myself, that I will grow old alone. I
started to cry. I see many people with a human companion to grow old
with, but I will be alone. This melancholia flooded my existence one
morning before going to work. I felt desperate.
Then I sang kiirtan and did some sadhana; by Baba's grace the experience
was so deep that my feelings of loneliness and melancholia immediately
vanished. That morning, by His grace, my meditation was very vibrated.
Immediately I felt, 'I am not alone, Baba is with me and He is caring
for me'.
Later on at my job, we were getting reports of the previous happenings--
the comings and goings from staff working the prior shift. Then and
there, by His grace I had a flashback and reviewed in my mind the sacred
memory of when I saw Baba and He blessed me. Over and over the idea was
floating in my mental plate and it was blissful. I was recalling Him
watching me run over to the stage and as I did sastaunga pranam, He
looked down at me and then as I got up He asked my name, He smiled at me
and said, 'Very good, very good, very good', rocking His head gently
back and forth. Then I heard my kiss onto His hand and then by His
grace, He turned toward me with His His folded hands blessing.
As I relived those blissful moments during this meeting, I started to
cry but checked my tears so my colleagues wouldn't notice. I started to
realize that my life is for Him and I don't want to do anything for
myself, to enjoy life for me. I do not want to let Him down. I want to
be doing everything to please Him; I do not want to make money and enjoy
life for myself. I want to give my life to Him. I want to work for Him
full-time, not for someone else. He has graciously done so much for me
and He is so loving, giving me so much that I must give back to Him and
please Him. I am not sure what He has in mind for me, but He must fufill
my desire to serve Him 24 hours a day. All these feelings were in my
mind and heart.
That auspicious morning occurred ten years ago to this day, by His
grace. And I have not had an ounce of melancholia since.
In my earlier life, up until that point, I was always surrounded by
people. I would always ensure that I had company and companionship in
the form of friends and family.
Since that time of crisis and moment of realisation, by His grace I have
come to appreciate being with Him and Him alone. I no longer fear being
by myself but see it as a boon for my devotional life. Because it gives
me opportunity to focus more on Baba and not get diverted or distracted
by anything else.
So now I cherish my loneliness in the mundane sphere as I can channel
and divert all my energies towards Him. And when that happens, by His
grace, I feel His sweet proximity and compassionate touch.
To be surrounded by people now means to intrude upon my sacred time with
Baba.
What a difference: In the past, feeling lonely made me absolutely
miserable and I was terrified of the future; now, by His grace, worldly
loneliness has become a boon for my spiritual endeavors and relationship
with Him.
Since that auspicious occasion ten years ago, my entire outlook has
changed.
Now I long to be alone, and generally shun worldly company, so that I
may get closer and closer to Him, by His grace. Now I have love and
affection for everyone and am not attached to a particular few persons.
I feel close to all, by Baba's grace.
BABA'S BLESSING
Baba says, "Du'r'a't sudure: if people think that Parama Purus'a is far
from them, then He is very, very far. Du'ra means far and sudu'ra means
so far that the human mind cannot even imagine it." (SS-11, p. 65)
When people begin to think that Parama Purusa is close by, or near. Baba
says, "antike means near". In this case aspirants think that Parama
Purusa is only ten feet away and then they realise that He is only one
foot away, sitting right next to them. So in this way they feel that
Parama Purusa is nearer than they thought. And in this top category,
those blessed devotees feel that Parama Purusa is their closest and most
Dear Entity. That He is always living along with them, in the inner
recesses of their mind and heart.
Baba says, "Tadiha'ntike ca, iha'ntike means so near, so close" that it
cannot be measured. Those devotees feel "that Parama Purusa is hidden in
their very 'I' feeling." (SS-11)
Namaskar,
Rameshvar
Note: SOME REFLECTION
I understand that my story is atypical, and not exactly normal. Some may
have difficulty relating with it. But I can clearly see a vast
difference in my devotional relationship with Baba from then and now.
And it is because of this transformation that I prefer not to have
worldly company, not because of any indifference towards others.
I suppose it is similar to many other changes we might experience as
margiis. For example, before becoming a margii one might have eaten meat
or consumed alcohol, yet now after developing a more sentient way of
life one may feel suffocated by the thought of eating meat and drinking
wine etc. The margii now only has attraction toward sattvika foods. All
because of a change in one's mental make-up.
Similarly, I do not feel inspired to interact much with people-- unless
it is for reasons of performing service to please Him-- and now strictly
prefer the company of Parama Purusa. And the reason is, Baba has made my
mind like that. Beyond that, I could never have conceived of living in
such a manner.
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