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Why Marriages Fail: Part 2

Date: Sun, 31 Oct 2010 06:29:49 -0000 (GMT)
From: Singh_Manindra
Subject: Why Marriages Fail: Part 2
To: AM-GLOBAL

== WHY MARRIAGES FAIL ==

~ PART 2 ~


(this is the continuation...)


DO NOT RELY ON WTS FOR MATCH-MAKING

3) It is important to remember that Dadas must NOT act as a mediator for any Ananda Marga marriage. Invariably, Dadas will give preference to the family giving them more money. So if the boy is not interested in AM and drowned in pseudo-culture, that Dada will paint a false picture and say how the boy is spirited and meticulous in 16 pts. This may not happen every time - but certainly there is scope for such issues. It has happened in the past and must be avoided in the future. And the best way to avoid this in the future is not to involve Dadas.

Besides it is not good for our wholetimers to act as matchmakers. In that process some accidentally get themselves matched up and they leave their Wt ship. This also has happened.

Thus for everyone's well being, no Wt should be actively involved in match-making. Rather Wts should refrain from match-making entirely. That is Baba's rule.


BEWARE OF INTEREST GROUPS

4) One should be prudent - even skeptical, about receiving advice from stakeholders - ie sometimes family margiis also carry a bias. For instance, let's say that in their unit or bhukti, there is a girl or boy nearing 30 years of age and it is obvious that this person needs to get married soon. Then with the intention of supporting them, such people falsely praise that boy or girl up to the sky in order to attract an interested party. Under the notion of helping to marry that older boy or girl, some such people may say things that are not true. Out of sympathy they may say, "Oh he or she is very good and has always been exemplary in our community." When in fact that is not at all true. Just they are saying like that in order to get that person married. Actually they want to help but what they are doing is not at all good. Encouraging false perceptions as will lead to a bad marriage - or the marriage may simply implode or break apart.


FINANCE

5) Finances play a big role in any household. So the boy and girl should have in-depth discussions and get to know each other's lifestyle and views on money. Someone who wishes to live like a king or queen should not marry someone with a sadhu mentality, or vice-versa. There should be clarity on all financial matters including credit, debt, cash allowances, and so much more. The expectations on points of finance should be very clear.


CHILDREN & EDUCATION

6) One of the most defining points of any marriage is child rearing. Ahead of time - before they marry - the boy and girl should discuss how they are going to raise their children. What values will they impose? How far will they goad their child into Ananda Marga way of life? How far will they go to never compromise with dogma? The child must be brough to the path of sadhana at any early age and encouraged in this practice wholeheartedly.

Is one going to let the child play always while the other parent tries to instill a sense of discipline toward spiritual life? Is one going to let the child eat garlic while the other wishes to raise the child on a sentient diet. There are so many points of possible contention.

One must also remember that those children will one day be teenagers. Will you raise a person who will be a slave of pseudo-culture. If so, that teenager may bring meat into your kitchen, alcohol into your study, and crude, loud music into your sadhana room. If one parent emphasizes spiritual life and the other does not, there are going to be problems - many of them.

So this should be thoroughly discusses beforehand, lest you become a stranger in your own house where your own children have become like non-margiis. In that case they and your spouse will form a majority vote in your own home. If you do not educate them about our AM way of life from their infancy, this is going to happen.


NATURE OF TRANSITORY WORLD

7) Here is another critical point that the boy and girl must review. They both must be educated about, as well as discuss, how this world is transitory. The beauty they both possess today will not last forever. At any time, they may lose much of that beauty. One might contract some terrible disease like diabetes or multiple sclerosis, or get involved in a road accident etc. So many things can happen. The boy and girl should be told about how this world is transitory; they must understand the impact of this. If anyone gets married based on external beauty that marriage will fall apart. We have seen this so many times. They should discuss with one another how they will treat and regard each other when they are sick, disabled or helpless. Because, after all, their youthfulness and beauty will not last forever. Hearing and seeing this, do they still want to get married.


AM IDEOLOGY

8) The teachings of Ananda Marga have to be a central aspect of any margii marriage. Both boy and girl have to be of the mind-set that what Baba says on any given topic is the defining opinion.

It is not enough to renounce one's caste and get married. Yes, we have to overcome all caste sentiments etc, but our AM ideology encompasses all realms of existence.

Both have to be ready to follow Baba in each and every aspect of life. So when there is any disagreement between the husband and wife, then the answer must be found in Baba's guideline. And that must be accepted by both as final. This must be discussed ahead of time.


OATH

9) The boy and the girl should be ready to strictly follow the oath of our AM marriage: To live like Shiva and Parvatii. This should be formally written down and both the boy and girl should be educated as to what that means and then sign that piece of paper as a veritable contract. This contract must be binding on each and every AM marriage. One must be extremely careful and aware if their spouse will Ananda Marga way of life or not.


TREMENDOUS BENEFIT

By making all of the above perfectly clear between the boy and girl before marriage, then so many misnomers, false perceptions, and bogus expectations will be washed away. The mind will be clear and pointed and one can truly decide whether to marry that person or not. Or should they marry someone else. This will have tremendous benefit in both the personal lives of those who wed as well as in the greater society. People will be successful and productive in their marriages and society will not be plagued by mis-matched marriages and divorce. Mis-matched marriages are commonly looked upon as normal to others, but those involved in that marriage suffer internally and feel like an alien in their own house. Children will not be left shelterless but rather empowered by having dedicated parents who live by a spiritual ideal. Then society can truly be done in the real spirit of the term.


RESULT OF MIS-MATCHED MARRIAGE

Here Baba graphically points out the fate of those who suffer from mismatched marriages.

Baba says, "The wife of a certain gentleman that I knew was quite ill-mannered. One winter evening I saw this gentleman sitting quietly at the foot of a tree. I asked him: “Why are you sitting under this tree on a winter evening? You’ll freeze.” He replied: “You know, my young friend, if I go in the house I’ll hear only khankhan jhanhan [unpleasant and disturbing sounds]. It’s a lot more peaceful out here.” (Varna Vijiana, Disc: 19)


BABA'S BLESSING

By Baba's grace He has given the perfect system for building a great human society. Marriage is one of the key elements. Every marriage within the Marga should be done only after thoughtful consideration. All should be very aware of what marriage means and they should know who they are marrying.

Baba says, "[Shiva] declared that women must be kalatra, which means that women must discharge their obligations to their husbands and their children in such a way that the latter will not have the least difficulty. Those who accepted this new arrangement were declared married...The Sanskrit equivalent for marriage is viváha (vi – vaha + ghaiṋ): it means, after the ceremonially, the man and women can no longer live as libertines or as irresponsible so-called family people. They have to discharge their full obligations as bharttá and kalatra, responsible husband and responsible wife...The liberal meaning of the term viváha is “live one’s life in a new way with a special type of responsibility.” This is the underlying significance of the Shaeva system of marriage." (NSS, Disc: 9. Shivokti 3)

Namaskar,
Manindra


Note 1: NOT A JUSTIFIED CLAIM

After reading the above, some may complain that now no one will want to get married. They will argue that there are to many stipulations and it is an impossible endeavor. But theirs is not a well-reasoned approach.

We have to remember that when drugs were initially given as medicine then the side effects were never listed and patients were getting harmed. Finally the government intervened and demanded that all medical side effects must be stated. After this judgment, some were concerned that no one will take those medicines if companies are forced to list the side effects. Yet here we are years and decades later, and people still take those medicines and they are aware about the side effects so they can protect themselves. The end result is positive.

Similarly, if people are aware ahead of time about the difficulties of married life, they will be better off. Then they can properly prepare for getting married and select the right spouse and create an ideal family.

Finally, the main idea is that the entire institution of marriage cannot be stopped. It has been going on for thousands of years. It satisfies a basic human need. Thus listing the pitfalls of marriage is not going to deter anyone from getting married. Only it will fortify them with the requisite knowledge to make an educated decision.


Note 2: NEGATIVE INFLUENCE

After all, we are living in a materialistic society, so what is going on all around affects us. Not only that, we live in world that is dominated by gross materialism where "love" marriages are the norm. Two people get attracted - give in to sensual desires - and then divorce when any problem comes or difficulty arises. Or they leave one another when their become infatuated with someone else.

We must not allow this disease to affect our Ananda Marg away of life. Rather we are to positively affect the greater society.


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