Baba Story: I Felt Ashamed

Date: 31 Dec 2011 21:33:57 -0000
From: "Divyacaksu  Deva"
To: am-global@earthlink.net, dayal@igc.org
Subject: Baba Story: I Felt Ashamed

Baba

== BABA STORY: I FELT ASHAMED ==

Note: The below is a first-hand account from Ramchandra, an extremely senior margii from Rampur Colony in Jamalpur .

Namaskar,
As I have told in an earlier account (link below), in my public life, I did not want to be seen or known as an Ananda Margii. I was plagued by this split personality. In my personal and inner life, I wanted to be with Baba and work for the mission; in my public and professional life, I did not want to be associated with the Marga.

MY PUBLIC LIFE

When I was out in public - moving around my hometown of Jamalpur - and saw another Ananda Margii, I would quickly turn the other direction, hide my face, or move away. I did not want to do namaskar to any margii in public.

I thought people would say things like, "Oh look, Ramchandra has also been brainwashed by those Ananda Margiis."

Because of the controversy always swirling around AM and its poor reputation in society, I thought I should keep myself arms distance. Hence, from an external and social perspective, I remained aloof from AM.

VERY ATTRACTED TO BABA

Internally, things were quite different. I longed to see Baba and always wanted to have a glimpse of Him. Behind closed doors I would attend all kinds of Marga functions and in my heart there was always a fervent desire to go close to Baba.

In essence, this was my mind-set those days and that will give you insight into what I am going to share with you now.

HIDING FROM BABA

One day I was walking down the street and out of the corner of my eye I saw a saffron robe - the type that our avadhutas wear. I immediately became alert and began to duck (squat) so no one would see me. I was sure that Baba must be nearby. And indeed there He was - walking with His entourage in my direction. To avoid being seen I hurried into a local store and hid behind the counter. My plan was to stay there until Baba passed by. That way no one would suspect me of being affiliated with Ananda Marga. So I hid. But while in my hiding spot a deep yearning arose in my heart to have just a quick glance at Beloved Baba. I could not resist this devotional urge. So I slowly lifted my head and looked around the counter in order to see Baba; by that point Baba and His entourage had clearly passed my hiding spot. Yet at the exact moment when I had lifted my head to see Him, Baba turned around and looked directly towards me with His palms together in a folded-hand blessing.

HIDING FROM BABA (AGAIN)

Then there was a second such occurrence.

I was in the street when I suddenly noticed that Baba's car was coming towards me from the opposite direction. I did not want to greet Ananda Margiis in public or do pranam or sastaunga pranam to Baba in public. So I quickly shifted my position to the very edge of the area and stood behind other people. I was completely blocked from view. No one in Baba's entourage could see me. The car passed by - no one said a word or called my name. Success. At that moment, I felt an upsurge of devotion and wanted to at least have a quick look at Baba. I changed my position so I could ready myself to see Baba's car as it drove off in the distance. The moment my eyes and head were in position to see Him, Baba turned completely around in His vehicle and looked back with His folded hands blessing, looking directly towards me.

Now, years and years later, I feel repentance for having been so shy and meek in those early days.

By the way, I entered AM in the 1960's. Internally I wanted to be an Ananda Margii and was attracted to Baba's magnetic personality. I was initiated, began practicing sadhana regularly, and ultimately was blessed to receive PC with Baba.

REFLECTION

The above story recounted by Ramchandra ji holds key insights into how the level of devotion affects one's personae and behavior.

When one's devotion is lower then they feel shy, even ashamed, to express their spiritual way of living in public. That is Baba's stated teaching.

Baba says, "Those who are reared in the cradle of materialistic ideologies, feel shy or ashamed at first to sit in meditation in the presence of others." (Subhasita Samgraha, part 3, p.86)

And indeed this is what we saw in Ramchandra's story. In those early days, because of his lower stage of devotion, he felt shy to behave as an Ananda Margii in public. Similarly in the west - and in many areas where materialism reigns - people are very hesitant to express their spiritual life in the public domain.

For instance, a person might refrain from using their Sanskrit name at their job even though this is Baba's directive (reference Caryacarya), or one may feel embarrassed to sing kiirtan in public, or so many things they may be afraid or worried to do. In all such cases it is due to a lower feeling of devotion. One loves Baba no doubt, but that love is not enough to overcome their feelings of insecurity.

However, as one advances on the path, they will develop the requisite courage and nothing will obstruct their forward movement in the spiritual realm. They will always stick to their ideal - regardless of what others think. That too is Baba's teaching.

Baba says, "Let those well-versed in ethics criticize me or praise me, as they so desire; let Lakśmii, the goddess of wealth, either be gracious enough (because of my activities) to reside in my house, or, if she prefers, go elsewhere; let death visit me today or decades later. It makes little difference to me. Wise people will never withdraw from the path of ideology, the path which they accept as their ideal." (NKS, Disc: 2)

And indeed later on, Ramchandraji was an exemplar in this regard - all will attest to this. And this is what we should aim for: Deep ideological zeal in life, without compromise.

When anyone has deeper devotion for Baba they will do anything and everything for Him - never swayed by public opinion or other mundane channels. Such persons keep their ideological stance always.

In conclusion when a person has lower feelings of devotion then they may not like to call themselves an Ananda Margii and when their devotional standard is higher they overcome all such feelings of shyness.

Here is another way of thinking about it.

When devotion is less then the sadripus (six enemies) & astapahas (eight fetters) control the mind. In that case one is terribly affected by fear, shyness, anger, envy and so much more. And when, by His grace, devotion is more, then people rise above such feelings. When their attraction to Parama Purusa is deeper then all feelings of shyness go away and that sadhaka becomes an embodiment of AM ideals.

Namaskar,
Divyacaksu

Note 1: MUNDANE EXAMPLES

Not just in the field of devotion, but in all realms of life, when a person is deeply affected by a particular tendency then they will express that urge in public, not caring about what others think or say.

For instance, suppose one receives some upsetting news at the office then they will not like to cry in public. They will control their tears. But when that news is so devastating that they are totally overcome with grief and sorrow, then that will overpower all feelings of shyness and they will cry in front of everyone.

Likewise a person with a little bit of greed will control that tendency when they are around others, but when they are overwhelmed by greed then they will grab all the money or eat all the food in front of others - they will not be concerned about what people think about them.

Note 2: EARLIER STORY TOLD BY RAMCHANDRA

Here is the link to the previous devotional story told by Ramchandra:

http://www.am-global-01.blogspot.com/2011/12/my-story-how-omni-loving-baba-attracted.html

PRABHAT SAMGIITA

"Kare ja'tra' halo shuru, bhule gechi se katha'..." (699)

Purport:

Baba, when my journey started I do not know; it is not in my mind. I have completely forgotten the day when my journey towards You started. Since many lives gradually You are attracting me. By Your grace I am moving in that divine liila-- reducing the radius gradually and coming close to You.  On the way how much I suffered, on the path how many thorns have pierced my feet and created hindrance in my forward movement. Those memories related with the problems and pain are not in my mind. 

On the journey towards You by Your grace I came across the burning desert, which was so much torture of fiery blaze and sometimes I also got drenched with heavy rain-- thunder and storm. But You always gave me the strength and non-stop You are bringing me close to you.  So many spring seasons and its beauty has come and I got intoxicated with that attraction. And in Your longing, in Your divine attraction You filled my heart with devotion and I sang the song and kiirtan with heartfelt yearning and longing. Like this in my life sometimes dark and sometimes effulgent has come and gone. And gradually I have reached close to You under Your shelter.

Baba You are very much gracious. You are my everything...