== I ALSO HAVE EGO ==
Namaskar,
This letter briefly details some of the phases of my sadhaka life and
how I always thought I was ego-free, and then how I gradually came to
realise that I was quite dominated by my crude ego. I am writing this to
help cure my problem and because I thought this might be a useful tool
for others.
IN THE PAST I THOUGHT: 'I AM EGO-LESS'
For years and years I was always thinking I do not have any ego-- or I
was thinking that my ego was just something 'minuscule', if not
'non-existent'. In a superficial way I thought that, 'I do not care
about my own greatness, I am not like those kings and monarchs who
always tout themselves. I am just a regular person'. And in that way--
in that skin-deep approach-- I was foolishly believing that I was
completely ego-less. That was how I was thinking about myself, and this
went on for years and years-- for most of my life as a sadhaka.
HOW IT DAWNED ON ME THAT I HAVE A BIG EGO
However, after reading Baba's various discourses about ego (ahamkara)
and vanity (mada), then slowly, slowly it dawned on me what ego is. I
realised that one need not be a king or queen to have an inflated ego.
Unfortunately, having an over-inflated ego is quite a common ailment on
most any street-- it is the ailment of the common man, though in some
lands more than others. But, previously I was blind about this, so I
thought I was 'ego-free'. Until Baba's discourses slowly shined the
light on me and I began to understand.
I really came how when discussing Baba's discourses & teachings with
good sadhakas. Then I became more aware about what ego is, and how it
expresses. By this point, it really began to dawn on me that indeed I do
have an inflated ego.
DANGER XXX!! ~ DANGER XXX!!
And the danger about it all is that when one has an inflated ego then
one cannot do proper sadhana-- and that was my problem.
COMMON SIGNS OF AN INFLATED EGO
Here then are some common signs and signals about whether one has a
bigger type of ego or not. Everyone can read these criteria and decide
for themselves if they suffer from this malady or not. 'Do I have an
inflated ego?', that is the question of the hour.
(A) When I did anything, then I used to have an underlying feeling that
others should recognise, praise, or appreciate my efforts. This was my
inner urge. I was thinking that I had done some great things and I
wanted to hear a 'thank you' or some words of praise. And if this did
not happen, then I would become disappointed, dejected, slightly
depressed, or even furious. To the degree one suffers from this, it
means they have ego. And that ego will impede one's sadhana.
Of course, Baba is the real Doer-- He inspires us to act and graces us
to be able to do something-- so really there is nothing for us to be
egotistical about. It is all Him. But even then the unit ego likes to
relish in the idea that 'I am great'. And I had / have this problem.
Now here is another situation that helps determine if one has a big ego
or not.
(B) When walking into a room or arriving at a place or when meeting
someone, I would always think that the next person should greet me
first. I was thinking that others should serve me-- either they should
take my coat, or bring me my food, or something. This was my
expectation. So that was all the disease of my own ego, nothing else. I
was thinking that due to my talents or seniority or for any reason, that
others should greet me first and pay their salutations and honor me.
They did not have to garland me-- I was not that obvious-- but I was
feeling that something big or small should be done to distinguish my
standing from theirs. That was my cheap anticipation and expectation.
And if it did not happen then I would feel uncomfortable, sad, or even
miserable. So this was all the expression or disease of my inflated ego.
This is another way to recognise if one has an over-active ego like I
had / have.
When in truth one should be unconcerned & unaffected about how one is
received by others. Rather one should be ever-ready to greet others
first, which leads us to the next situation.
(C) The next expression of ego is if one does not like to give respect
or recognition to others. That is another sure sign that one's own ego
is too big. I was thinking that their presence or their actions pale in
comparison to mine-- in that case why should I recognise them, rather
they should appreciate me. This also was or is my problem.
Of course the answer is that we must see all as the expression of Parama
Purusa and one must not think that 'I am I and the next person is Joe or
Shyam'. Rather we are to think that all are Parama Purusa. That is the
only cure. Then one will be anxious and ready to greet each and every
entity in this manifested universe.
But my habit was not to do like this. I was constantly measuring myself
up to others and calculating if I was better than them or not, in which
case I would not recognise them but would wait for them to recognise me.
This led to so many complexes-- like superiority or inferiority etc. All
of which is a result of having too much ego. So this was / is also my
problem.
(D) Then in this next scenario-- this may have been the worst of all
because it was all happening internally. Listen to this: Even when I was
all alone, when I performed any action, or did something 'good', then I
was reassuring myself and thinking that I am the doer of many great
works. I was petting my own ego that I did a particular work etc. In
fact, this was how I made it through all my days. I would constantly
stroke or pet my own ego-- subtlety telling myself that I was great. It
was all happening within. And that type of harmful disease made my
second lesson non-existent-- along with all my other lessons. I could
not see Baba in anything because my own ego was always dominating. And
when sitting in sadhana, it was even worse. This was my horrible problem
and still I am addressing this fault.
The real answer, which we all know, is that in reality He gives us all
our energy and our duty is to serve Him. That is how we are to view our
actions in this world. But because of my defective egoistic thinking, I
could never ideate in this way and my practice of brahmacarya was gone.
(E) So the above are ways in which ego expresses itself. And it is not
always so blatant or glaring. It can be done in a small or almost
unreognisable, so one has to be careful and perfectly honest with
oneself. Otherwise you will not be able to identify the problem, yet it
will hamper your sadhana. So one must never harbour any type of feeling
that others are low, or that I did this or that, or that I am better, or
that others should recognise me. These are all crude expressions of
one's own unit and petty ego.
So indeed, I was and remain a victim of my own ego-- and worst of all it
impedes my sadhana.
Though now, by Baba's grace on my good days, I feel that He is allowing
and enabling me to do everything. And I try to cultivate this idea more
and more. Sometimes it comes naturally and on other days I have to
impose it.
THE GREAT IRONY OF IT ALL
As one Dada once told me, the ironic thing about the ego is that most
think that they have no ego. That's because people do not understand
what are the manifestations of having an ego. When in fact having a big
ego is one of the most common maladies on this earth. One need not be a
king, sports hero, president, or movie star to have a big ego. Many have
this problem and it deteriorates their well-being.
Because of the dominance of one's ego, people get sad or depressed,
suffer from inferiority or superiority complex, and cannot do proper
sadhana.
Because in sadhana their mind just spins around their own unit existence
and cannot swim in the vast ocean of cosmic consciousness. If one thinks
all day about their own unit glories then they cannot do sadhana. And
that happened to me.
But in that predicament, one cannot overtly recognise why they cannot do
sadhana. One will just think that sadhana is impossible or that Baba is
not gracing me. One will not think that their own ego is the stumbling
block-- the real impediment.
In that case, the only way out is to do honest introspection and really
ask yourself if any of the above egotistical situations apply to you. Do
I expect praise from others; do I have feelings that I did something; do
I want others to recognise me etc etc. One must be totally honest in
this regard. That is way back onto the path of sadhana.
Even then that will not cure the problem entirely; that is only the
beginning. Ultimately, one must cultivate the idea that Baba is doing
everything. To gain success in this, we must surrender unto Him and ask
for His divine compassion, otherwise we are a sinking ship-- drowned by
our own ego.
That is how it has been explained to me and I agree with that
assessment. And that is why I am sharing this with all of you today.
BABA'S SPECIAL TEACHING
Here is also one teaching from our Beloved Guru that is especially
helpful for curing an over-sized ego like I had.
Baba says, "Bear in mind that you have a duty towards – indeed, you owe
a debt to – every creature of this universe, but towards you, no one has
any duty; from others, nothing is due." (CC-2, chapter 1, point #3)
By Baba's grace, this type of teaching is enough to get one going onto
the right path of ego-less service. But saying it is not enough, it must
become embedded deep within one's psyche. And this can happen by
sadhana, as we have all experienced. Because only sadhana transforms and
cleanses the mind deep inside.
BE AWARE!! DO NOT GO AWAY FROM PARAMA PURUSA
The greatest tragedy of a big ego is that one will go away from Parama
Purusa. Because when ideating on one's own unit self or ego, then cannot
even think about Parama Purusa-- let alone feel His presence. Rather one
will just be involved in their own name, fame, and prestige, and then
that mind will not flow towards Parama Purusa. That is why the ego is
very bad and can destroy one's life as a sadhaka. This is my personal
experience.
BABA'S BLESSING
By Baba's grace, He has given us the best way to overcome the bindings
of the unit ego. In various Prabhat Samgiitas, Baba has given us this
golden teaching-- this beautiful way to think.
'O my Lord, due to the trappings of my own ego and unit existence and I
cannot get close to You. That is the painful truth of my life. So Baba I
request You to please grace me and remove my ego. On my own I cannot
solve the problem. So please shower me with Your divine compassion such
that I should never ideate on my own unit things, but rather always
focus on Your lotus feet. O' Baba, please be gracious. I am completely
depending on You. You are my Savoir and You have have accepted me as
Your disciple and if I remain dirty then it will not be Your glory. In
this way, take mercy on me-- on this poor and helpless soul-- and
cleanse me of all egoistic feelings and make me Yours. O' my Baba,
please be gracious...'
Namaskar,
Mukunda
Note 1: TWO FLOWS OF MIND
The physical body flows in one direction-- each and every day it grows
older and moves closer to one's death.
But the mental body flows in two directions. It can go up or down. Like
a river, it is easiest for the mind to flow downstream-- into the depths
of hell. But with sadhana, the mind can also flow upstream to the top of
the mountain-- to the height of human glory. But to reach that divine
stance it takes energy and effort.
And what is that effort? Sadhana. Only by this way can one overcome
petty feelings of their own self and make the mind bigger and bigger.
Here the point is that human life is most often like a river flowing
downstream in that the unit ego will just involve in itself because that
is easy-- yet ultimately making the mind smaller and smaller.
But, by His grace, when doing sadhana, then the mind will grow in
magnitude and become God-centered. Then and only then can the mind flow
upstream and reach that divine abode. So we must put forth effort and
then by His grace the mind will magically flow in this direction until
we attain Him.
This is Baba's special teaching.
