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My Tale: Playing with Fire

Date: 26 Jul 2009 10:32:41 -0000 To: Subject: My Tale: Playing with Fire Baba "Campak vane dakhina' pavane..." (PS 40) Purport: Baba, You have presented Yourself and come into this world with the resonance of music, in endless ways. You have manifested Yourself in innumerable styles and forms with rhythmic sweetness and beauty. Baba, all the pangs of loss, all disappointments, and weaknesses have been forgotten. Now everything is filled with Your divine charm. Baba, due to Your unfathomable grace, we have been able to know You, hear You, and see You in countless ways. Baba, if this had not been Your desire-- if You had not blessed us in this way-- then how could we have gotten You. Baba, what else is the cause except Your krpa', Your divine grace. O' Baba, You have come today with the beauty of rhythm and song...
Namaskar, I am not inclined to say who I am - please excuse me as I have my reasons - but I think my story needs to be told. By hearing what happened to me - what I allowed or even caused to happen - others will be able to save themselves from a similar fate. That is my hope & that is why I am writing. Actually, it all started out quite innocently, or so I thought. Little by little things developed. Of course - all along - I thought everything would be fine. I thought I had the entire situation well within my control. Today I see that was not at all the case. It is now very apparent that the root cause behind it all was that I thought I was above all weakness. My ego, my over-confidence & my audacious belief that I was something special skewed my perceptions and led to my downfall & disgrace. That is how I took a free fall into a dark, deep abyss, where I remain to this very day. I really do not want to see such an event happen to anyone on the path, neither family person nor acarya, neither Dada nor Didi, neither young nor old.
By Baba's magnificent grace I had it all. He blessed me to become a disciple and to get the Sadguru while on this earth. So few get such a chance, yet by His all-merciful compassion, He gave me such an opportunity. He placed it all right there before me - all I had to do was move ahead on the path. After a few years of becoming Wt, I thought I had made it to the top, especially after I became avadhuta. I thought I was simultaneously impermeable and impregnable, i.e. indestructible and unbeatable. That was what my ego taught me. By His grace, my early years were full of sincerity and an earnest desire to move along the path. What was taught to me I did my best to follow: asana, food, sleep, sadhana, dharmacakra. I tried to follow all the codes, and by His grace I progressed. I felt better and my mind was vibrated by His rhythm. If only I had continued in this pattern. But instead I erred and now I am absolutely nowhere, totally off the map. I do not know what will become of me.
Who she is and whether she is margii or not I do not even want to say. All that need be known is that I thought I was above all allurement and that I could be relaxed about the various codes of conduct. Baba has graciously given so many guidelines and rules about workers and the opposite sex. We all know them. Do not look in the eye, do not be alone, do not be friend etc. He has given all the points and all the ways to be successful. But due to my ego, I thought these rules and codes are for others not me. I am Wt - I am avadhuta - what problem can come my way. Nothing. So little by little, the conduct rules passed me by, or rather I became loose and skipped over them. At one point when I saw her we made eye contact. I thought nothing about it. Then slowly - over weeks and months - we became friendly and began to communicate via email etc. Or we would talk here and there with others around. Then we began to meet by ourselves. We never talked about "us" but always discussed bigger things like the society or spirituality etc. But that was a paper thin layer, I was unaware of the volcano mounting below the surface. Or at least, my ego did not want me to know of the dangers that were developing. Up until that time we had not kissed nor held hands. So I thought I had it all under control. There was no flagrant show or a breach of etiquette. Then one time when we were alone I could feel my entire body become heated and imbalanced - I felt the pull. Even then I thought I could handle it.
Over time, all codes of conduct melted away. It happened slowly until finally one time we were sitting together on my bed working on a project and she leaned across me to grab a paper and I intentionally leaned forward toward her as if to help, and our bodies brushed up against each other. It was a warm and soft touch - one which I had not felt before. My head was spinning - and now I understand that it was then that I totally lost my mental balance, and ultimately my career as well. It seemed like a whole new blissful beginning for - such was the intoxication of avidya - because in fact it was the end. We lived as one for a while yet presented ourselves as two separate souls when in public. But when alone, it was entirely different. It was like we were married, yet it held all the excitement of being something more exotic because we were doing everything secretly. Our life in heaven together did not last long. It exploded in my face like nothing before I had ever seen or experienced. Now my life is essentially over - I am a mere shell of what I once was. And she is free to do as she likes. I cannot blame her. After all I was the so-called dedicated and responsible one. But due to my arrogance, ego, and bloated self-esteem, I thought I could side-step and bypass all codes of conduct and still keep myself in proper form. I thought, "What is the harm in looking her in the eye and what is the harm in going places together." Slowly, slowly I broke all the codes of conduct - nothing happened bad per se - and my ego got further proof that I was unbreakable. How wrong I was. Shortly thereafter, I fell into a total whirlpool of self-deceit and lost the path. What will happen to me I cannot say - but such things should not, nay must not, happen to others. If I can prevent that from happening even once, then I feel I will have begun to pay back my debt to society. Though I know I will never be able to regain my dignity, nor my sadhana. That seems quite hopeless now.
As I look around, I see such a drastic fall can happen to anyone blinded by their ego and overconfidence. A person many think that they can handle their alcohol and that one more beer will not skew their vision nor judgment. They may drink and drink thinking that they are above all perils only then to find one morning that they are in the hospital, missing both of their legs, and having killed their best friend in a car crash. With so many vices and poor dealings this can happen. At first people slowly move in the wrong direction yet gain the confidence that they can handle it. Then one day the bottom falls out and all is lost. Drugs, alcohol, cheating on one's wife, financial impropriety. It can happen anytime one begins to cross the line. In our Marga, this can happen in so many ways. First one may begin to skip kiirtan, then sadhana, then after months one may find themselves on a totally different path. That is how degeneration happens. Little by little one crosses the boundary until one day they find they can never return again to the life they once cherished.
We all know the story of Siita's abduction. To keep Siita safe, Ram's brother Laksman etched a boundary line in the ground around the house and told Siita not to cross the line. For a long time Siita was faithful and respected the boundary line. Then one day, the demon Ravana came in the guise of a sadhu begging for alms and stood on the other side of the boundary line. Siita wanted to give him alms, but she wanted to do so from inside the house. Ravana replied that he would only accept her alms if she stepped over the boundary line and gave him the food. She was in a dilemma as to what to do. Ravana continued to coax her to cross the line. She did and the rest is then history. She was abducted and dragged away. Here the whole point is that once we cross the threshold of what we should and should not do, then we will lose all that we had. We will end up in an entirely different place, and an undesireable one at that. This is especially true when one crosses the ethical codes of conduct on the path of spirituality. We liked being on the path, did not want to leave, but when our brash ego coaxes us into disregarding one code, then that is the start of our demise.
There are so many examples how crossing the line ends up destroying one's life. A family man may one day think that he will never get caught and that getting together once with another woman will not be a big deal. Step by step it happens until one day he finds his family life to be in total shambles and he lives as a disgraced person in his own town. Or what about the trusted financier who little by little goes against the ethics and does ill with his client's funds. Heck it even happens with margiis and simple wts with regards to groupism. They pledge they will follow AM ideology. Then one day they are approached or given an opportunity with a particular group and they think, "What is wrong I can do it this one time." But then step by step they are drawn in more and more - getting the perks etc - until finally they become a full-fledged groupist member. At first one never thinks that such missteps are a big deal. One always believes they will be able to handle the situation until one day their own life has gone up in flames as if everything became saturated with gasoline and then lit with a match. Poof! All gone. Never to return again. Oh so many times this happens. One becomes relaxed about sadhana or food or about watching crude things on the internet or whatever. Always one thinks that it is ok, only to be swallowed up by it as the problem grows. That is what happened to me in South America and that is what has happened to others in so many places. If nothing else, others should learn from those of us who have fallen.
We must all be vigilant. By His grace we have come under His divine shelter and we must ensure that by our own doing we do not leave His shelter and drift away. The best method that I have heard from others is that we should always think that Baba is watching all we do and that we are to follow all kinds of guidelines to please Him. Then we will be safe and secure always. If we think He is watching then our conscience will be pure. Furthermore, we must always be aware that ego is a part and parcel of spiritual life. With that inflated ego and overconfidence we should not think that we are above the rule or codes of conduct. Once we think that we are so intelligent or so great or so elevated that we can cross the line of proper conduct, then we are inviting our own demise and degeneration. Take it from me - from one who fell - all should beware. Here, by Baba's blessing, are the best ways to move ahead in life. I hope everyone reading is successful. Baba says, "When I think I am His object and He is my subject, I cannot commit any wrong under any circumstances. His ever wakeful conscience will constantly warn me, “What are you doing? He is watching you." (AMIWL-10) Baba says, "I will move towards Him drawn by the irresistible Cosmic attraction. This is my dharma – simple and straight-forward. This is my natural wont. Nothing can detract me from pursuing my innate characteristic." (AMIWL-10) Namaskar, your brother
**************************************** Multiple Points of Interest
Baba says, "Large, ancient animals used to die at previously selected places. The wild elephants of today still follow this habit. At such places the bones of the animals became a hill which became deposits of calcium sulphate, calcium carbonate, etc. with the passage of time." Baba says, "Wherever cretaceous animals lived in groups, limestone will be found. In Assam, for example, lime stone and petroleum can be found. The fat of these huge animals petroleum and the bones became limestone." Baba says, "In Ra'r'h, in Jalda and Jaipur, limestone can also be found. Limestone is good for manufacturing cement and helps oranges grow well."
(Above quotes from 'Integrated Farming', Prout-16, p.38) ****************************************

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